All persons interviewed are fictional and this is satirical journalism.
Vernon Stephenson was crowned men’s sprint champion in America’s fattest State last Saturday, completing the race in a new State record of 34.12 seconds.
Stephenson was drafted into the line up late after being stopped and asked to participate in the race to make up the numbers.
The 35 year old data clerk told ESPN “I was driving past the stadium on the way to Denny’s when this guy in a high vis vest just flagged me down and told me about the finals.
I wasn’t doing anything for the rest of the day anyway so I thought ‘why not?’. Luckily enough, I had my gym gear from last year’s office sports day still in the trunk of my car.”
After being educated on the basics of sprinting and why “jumping the gun” was not allowed, Stephenson lined up along with seven other reluctant participants, and led the race from start to finish to collect the gold. The victory was not all straightforward however, as Vernon recalls. “The guy in the jeans in lane 4 pushed me almost all they way, but once he pulled up at about 70 metres and started clutching his chest I knew I had it in the bag. How is he by the way?, I didn’t see him at the finish.”
When questioned about the origins of his sporting prowess, Vernon confessed “I guess there must be athletic genes in the family or something, my Dad always tells me this story about how he used to “walk” to work, I always figured it was bullshit, but maybe he was telling the truth!”
The victor, when informed there was no cash prize for winning the event and that he would now progress to the National Championships, was less than impressed.
“I can never get someone to cover my shifts for weddings, let alone some silly race, and I know that asshole Kirksen is not gonna pay for the days I miss”
Many have speculated that next year, victory may not prove as easy for the Champion.
Mackenzie Freuller, who finished a distant second in 48.26 secs, declared “Now that I’ve tried it I know what I need to do next year, and Vernon better be ready, I’m on my way down to the Mall to get a pair of sneakers right now, should shave a couple of seconds off my work boots time at least, and I know I can push that jerk all the way if I start running right after the gun. Plus I had a pretty heavy night last night, and I tagged a few on this morning, if I stick to lite beer the night before next year’s race, I’m gonna blow these fuckers away!”
When asked for his thoughts on the new challenger, US sprint sensation Tyson Gay was unavailable for comment.